So for this post I actually had planned a long rant about the impending “illection,” but who really wants to hear anymore about that. By now we have our opinions of who we want to vote, there really isn’t anything else to be said. There will be more said in the media and we will be subjected to political campaigns. So I won’t go into that much pain.
As I was scrolling through my Instagram feed, I saw it was the eighth annual National Day on Writing. My job is writing, when I’m frustrated I write, when I feel creative I write, when I want to send someone “well-wishes” I write. Posting to social media requires a capturing caption to any photo or link.
Writing is my way of dealing with life. If I’m not writing, I’m reading or watching one of my many favorite shows on Netflix/Hulu. These all require writing. Is the writing the attracts me to conversations, plots, characterization.
Writing is a creative outlet, one that I try my hand at. Like most, I don’t share my personal work with many. Its a way of dealing with my own personal hang-ups. Over the last four years I have been struggling with anxiety more and more. I know I’ve dealt with it throughout high school and these last few years and months I’ve been more and more struck with its power.
When I’m not at work or with my mom and sister, I’m home. I don’t like going places, in fact I’m sorry in advance, I tend to agree and cancel plans. Yes, I’ve done this with my own family. I’ve grown inward and I don’t like it, but I don’t see an end.
When I’m alone I stress about what I could have done better or different. That takes up about two-three hours off and on. When I’m alone I overthink about the next day, another two-three hours off and on. Here comes reading and television. I need distractions or my mind will control me and I make myself sick over and over again.
This overflows to my personal life. I know my family and friends struggle with me and put up with me and I over think myself not being fair to them and that is unending. Even as I write this I’m overthinking should I say some of these things? Its the truth and the truth, more than anything needs to be shared in this world.
This is #WhyIWrite. It is a way to just push my thoughts aside and get some clarity. Characters I create deal with similar issues of mine so that I can put them in scenarios and see their outcome. It’s clearer.
I have a sense of power that I don’t have. Writing is important with this fast paced world we live in. So many things depend on communication to function. I’m a quiet person and I don’t like small talk. I hate it when people tell me “it will be okay,” “don’t worry about it,” “it is nothing you can control.” My mind knows this. Believe me. I know. People complaining, yes that effects me too. Even if it is not my problem I take it in and that negativity works its way to my inner issues and grows further.
The weekends when I have some semblance of peace, there isn’t too much. Because it is then I have to deal with all the work I’ve neglected, such as cleaning and organizing. This doesn’t always get done because the mountain I must climb during the week is exhausting and so I take a day. I put off things I even want to do and these never get completed.
I read inspirational things about anxiety and feel that it is not that mounting, until the next wave comes and I’m swept under.
Yeah, I could go on and on and even this now has turned daunting. I didn’t want to make this some whiny-o-woe-is-me piece. And yes there are some positives to being overly critical. I feel I have a unique perspective and I take a closer look at what I am given and take my time working out problems and conversations.
I urge those to just write it out. Even if it isn’t for an audience. The words that you’re thinking can be erased and they are just gone. I write what I feel and I just erase it. It’s gone like it was never there. Not always does this work, but it is a band-aid.
Well, anyway. That is #WhyIWrite. Therapy. Conversation. Work. Creativity. Self-expression.
As always, thanks for reading.
- This post has been edited because of overthinking ❤